Powerlessness of Defender


I will never forget this truth and I can’t excuse my self. My repentance is hurt my heart. Everyday I am  accustomed to medicines. My body is sick. I feel lonely in this world, my life is not expedient. I had disappearance  my family because of me. In this loneliness I recall my memory about my life.

“Abelarda, are you fine?” asked Annisa.

“ I can’t to bear this Annisa, I want to die!!” said me.

Astaghfirullah Abelarda, what did you say? I can’t to believe what I heard just now. Tell me what you feel Abelarda?” Said Annisa.

“ I feel that I am a fail person Annisa. I can’t to protect the persons that I love, Annisa.” Said me.

“ Abelarda, you must to be strong, Abelarda” said Annisa.

“ what for I am still alive, my life is empty. No smile no happy!” said me.

Everyday my life is like in hell. My husband is not assume me as his wife but is like a bitch dog. I remember how Abbas punished me. My marriage with Abbas escorts my mother and Abdullah in death. I remember what father said before he dead. He said that I had to become like a shield for my family from danger.

“ like a shield? What is shield?”

Shield don’t have meaning without the weapon. How I can do it without weapon? What is my weapon? I am not having a power.

“ but Allah affiliate with us…”

I always afraid when the night is come. i was scare when heard a sound of ringing. Abbas has a sphere of domination and control. I know what a wise of mother, she wants to go to Mecca for doing pilgrimage and I said to him. But what was happened, he laugh and tortured me. He slaps me and hit me. Mother cried, and it is so hurt me

One mistake I accept Abbas as my husband. I think that he can protect me and my family, but my marriage with him escorts me in hell. Mother couldn’t bear this situation and she repeatedly sick. I ask kindly to Abbas to bring mother to the Hospital. But he pushed away. I thought that I couldn’t always follow Abbas’s words. Finally I and Abdullah bought mother to the hospital. Upon arrival at hospital my mother was critical. Finally she could not be saved.

I like when the day is rainfall, I can feel more quiet. I can feel the wind and the fog. In my pray, I hope Allah gives me the forcefulness.

“ Abelarda, do you want to rest? “ asked Annisa.

“No, I don’t want to rest Annisa!“ said me.

“ but you look so tired Abelarda, don’t too much force your self, Abelarda!” said Annisa.

“ you can see, I am powerless Annisa, I loss my father, my mother and my brother. I should keep them. I am more intense than them but more feeble than Abbas.I  can’t protect them, ” Said me.

Abdullah …. Abdulah was dead. Abbas knew if I and Abdullah bought mother, he was angry, and he hit and punished us. Abbas is evil. He has power to do anything that he want. Abdullah is still a child, he can’t bearing  chastisement by chastisement, he dead. Oh Allah, give me strength to through these trial.

“Annisa, I think Allah is not care of me, Allah leaves me. Cause I am a ignoble person.” Said me.

“ Abelarda, how can you think something like that. You are righteous person. You are a Muslim, Abelarda. Allah will never give trial out side ability of human beings. If you are like now, it means you can to overcome it. Belief that Allah never leave you, Abelarda.” Said Annisa.

I am not a prophet who has flawlessness, I just a human being. I can’t to arrest my misery. I can’t feel the cold of wind, the famous of flowers, the warble of birds.

I want along with my family again, I feel so lonely, if I die, can I along with them???

“ No Abelarda! Are you insane? You want to suicide? Don’t you think about your self? Don’t you think about your fetus in your uterus. You have to know that you will become a mother, Abelarda.”said Annisa.

“ I will become a mother? How can you know that?” asked me.

“ I know how is your life with Abbas, when Abbas abused you that night, I informed it to the police. When I came to your home, you were unconscious. Then Abbas was arrested. So I bought you in this hospital. After you are inspected, doctor said that you are having a pregnancy. it means that there is a little angel that you have to protect, Abelarda. You have to become a shield for your child is like what your father instructed to you.” Said Annisa.

Alhamdulillah, thanks Allah, you give me favor, you give me a power to stay life”

“ yeah Abelarda, because of your child you can continue your life, you have a responsibility to raise a child and protect them, Abelarda. Looks a cows, although they look like powerless, but they are honorable.” Said Annisa.

astaghfirullah! Forgive me! I am thoughtless, Allah!” I cried

Life is like a wheel that rotate, like water that have a source in ocean, although I have nothing, but I have a belief. Now I must survive, I will have a baby, no father just mother. I will be a shield for my child, then I can feel the cold of wind, the famous of flowers, the warble of birds. Life must go on. I am a hardened woman. I can stand without my husband, without father for my child.

I must stand for my child, to see my child grow up, to see the happiness in his smile. Allah, I know everything that You created will comeback again to You. But I know, sadness and happiness are both conditions that can be separated. I know that happiness will I reach. The happiness wait me …

Tesianarahayu ningtyas

Tentang njuwet

anak balongrejo bagor kab nganjuk lahir th 1986
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